Here on the Edge

Ever get the feeling that things are just about to completely change?

I've had that feeling for like, half a year now. It just won't go away. And no matter how many things change (and plenty has changed, indeed), it never feels like "it." THE change. This big one I'm waiting for.

I had a feeling like this once before, in the months before I got saved. Big, uncanny feeling that my life was going to change. Maybe I'd die in a fiery car wreck or something--I just knew things couldn't go on much longer as they had been. Then, after the strange guy in Denny's witnessed to me, I was SURE things were going to change. And they did. It was more than I ever could have imagined. Neverending Night suddenly turned into Endless Day. Eternal Darkness to Eternal Light. All that, and a million things that words can't express.

But this time, I have no idea what's going to change. Just something, sometime or other.

At present, I'm hoping of course that it'll have to do with a change of career for Dave. I'm not crazy about this seeing-him-Friday-mornings-and-weekends-only thing. Neither of us is crazy about the going-to-bed-after-it's-light-out-and-waking-up-around-noon thing. You feel like a slug all day, yet you've really only gotten five hours. It's not the way it's supposed to work, and your body makes sure you remember that all. The. Time.

Of course, that probably ISN'T it. I mean, I had this "something's on the horizon" feeling way back when he worked mornings (Oh, blessed memories!!! How little did I appreciate thee, beloved day shift!!!), so likely, that's not it.

I just know I'm on some kind of edge. There's some kind of corner I've been about to turn for a long time. I've prayed and prayed about it, but Heaven is suspiciously silent--meaning the change is probably supposed to be me. Again.

That's usually how it is. The things that really matter to God aren't the jobs, the schooling, the good deeds. If a big change is coming, probably no amount of changes in fortune, place and position would ever amount to much in the grand scheme, whereas a revival in my heart would be earth-shattering--if I could figure out how to get out of my own way and let it shatter away.

So, how does one go about getting out of one's own way? It's not like I've ever gotten in front of myself on purpose. If I don't know how I got there, how do I get back out? Questions that need lightning to strike.

If anyone knows how to turn oneself into a lightning rod, let me know. I'm tired of being on the edge. I just want to back away or jump off--anything but just stand there.

In the meantime, I guess I'm waiting for my lightning.